Monday, January 16, 2006

Week 3: Conversations about the girl from the bar

So let's talk about what happend the other night?

What? The girl?

Yea. What happend? was pretty fucked up.

What happend then? What did this girl do to you? I mean, you briefly discussed it in your last phone call.

So I am going to the bar with my friend. I borrow Leon's Aviators, had to cover up that red in my eyes. Mad faded. I cover it up with these sunglasses, mind my own business, take a seat at the bar, and order a round. Somebody taps on my shoulder. 'Yea,' I said,
this random girl says, 'Hey is there sunshine in here?'
'I said, 'Naa.'
'so this fucking bitch says, "I wanted to tell you that you don't have the style to wear those, you don't have the look, and you should really take them off."
'In disbelieve I look over at Dutch. I turn to her, 'So are you trying to be the nastiest person of the year?'
'I'm not from here, so I don't care.'
I pause, pulling back for the punchline,
'Oh yea, no wonder you're such an asshole, where you from?'
'Oh, remember in 2002, US, fucking dominated your asses! Look at that shirt, pink, look at those shoes, green? Are you Kermit and Miss Piggy's fucked up bratty kid? Exactly, now get the fuck out of here.'
Bitch turns and leaves.

Wow! Haha!


So what did you think about it?

Honestly, I sat there a second, totally processing what had happend, and it made me kind of shudder. So she like takes the time to WALK over and try to ruin my evening, to break, the only thing I have, my sense of self? Because, no matter what the hell anybody else says,'s fashion, it's a reflection of who you are! That's not the worst of it, because I actually felt like David Brent. Ya know, like how he would act cool to Garreth, try and show he had style, posing for those stupid pictures with the leopard, ya know? Was I the fool?

How could you be. That girl came over and said something very mean spirited. It takes a cold, unhappy woman to walk up blindly, with no idea who that person is, and simply treat him like that!

Right. It was saying, this is what PREJUDICE is about. She didn't know anything about me, those glasses fit into who i am, a complete and utter asshole (laughs). But an asshole most people can tolerate and even have a good time knowing. That's who I am, but she took me for someone with a weak sense of spirit. That wasn't the case. I burned a hole in her. She was like that fucking movie, Army of Darkness, with the blood squirting out in buckets from her chest, that's what she looks like on the inside. And that accent?! Oh you europeons have all the style, all the flair . . . bullshit. Listen, I know many europeons would hate and peg me as the obnoxious American.

Why is that? Look at Ali G? He's fairly obnoxious.

Yea, but he's a simpleton. He talks like he is a hip hop star, which goes beyond race by the way, but is still endearing, sincere, harmless. He asks questions he believes in. Fuck, look at our president! He's simple.

So why is this the topic in therapy today? What, in essence, did this experience hit upon? How did it make you feel?

Well, it spoke to something very insidious about human kind. What could ever persuade a human to take the time to walk over and say something down right nasty and disrespectful?

Maybe she wanted to sleep with you.

Naa, this bitch looked like the ugly chick in the Pink girls. Ya know, with the long face, pale skin, some ugly bitch who became a vampire, but the vampire was fucked up on meth when he bit into her.

Ok, ok, ok! Here's the line and this is you going completely over it.

Is that ok for a shrink to say?

Shouldn't be damaging.

Not as damaged as that girl. Man, what makes someone do that? If people can do that, then this explains the current state of things. The world, it pains me to watch how fucked up we are to one another. But there are times, I feel like being bad like that. I was reading about Psychopathic Personality disorder today in Vonnegut's latest book. He basically relates how most leaders are well to do folk but do the bad things they do because they ultimately are entirely indifferent, with no feelings or remorse. This priest in high school once told the school at one of our Friday Prayer services that he'd rather have someone hate than be indifferent, because we can change hate into love. But indifference, there is nothing to sway, they simply do not care. In his mind, that was something gruesome. He's right. That's who these people are, and I even feel like that somedays. Walking around with all this pent up, stress, aggression, for no reason? I feel like i love and hate and they're both in a constant state of flux.

What makes you feel that way?

I don't know.

Maybe it's in your dreams.

Nope, don't dream.


I used to but don't recall any particularly significant as of late.

So this girl said some disruptive things. How do you feel after this encounter?

Well, I felt unattractive, like there's this self cross examination going on, where I am thinking, do I dress ok? Is there something wrong with me? Will any girls want to talk to me?

Why do you ask yourself these questions, you always seem concerned with these issues but have never shed any light on them.

I always have to be sure I am neat, tidy, presentable. It's this thing, my dad said some shit to me as a kid about my weight and body, it bothers me, drives me to be presentable at all times, or fear being imperfect. It's not any other than that, imperfection as dress, looks, have something to do with the idea of perfection.

Do you really think so?

Well, it's part of your overall character. See, my looks alone, the way I looked, generated this lust for her being nasty, disgusting to a fellow human being. Hell, I could have been American and she was upset about the war so she had to vent, I don't know. She was fucking ugly anyway, like I cared.

That seems hypocritcal to say.

No, I was kidding.

So how does this manifest in your life, these feelings of inadequacy?



Yea, I check out in any reflection how I look, to be sure all is in its right place, even when I know I a look okay. I have these internal conversations telling myself stupid, overly macho things, to build confidence, to psych myself up when working with people or whatever.

So is this internal dialouge your voice or your father's? In essence, does this say something about what drives you?

Exactly, my pops picked on me a bunch, nit-picked my appearence, everything. He yelled alot. I shy away from conflict and also try to be sure appearences are well kept. Maybe that is who is the voice in my head, my dad screaming at me after spilling my fucking milk.

So when this woman said these things about your appearence, your style, it was like your father standing over you. It was the full figure, the shadow smile rising through the moonlight, cascading shadows of fear billowing through your esophagus and upsetting your stomach; his large grin and stern eyes taking your spirit and burning it to ash, crumbling snow from the top of the highest peak of the largest mountain, a Tower of Babylon calling for your patronage. You have given into this many times, haven't you? It has you by your fucking throat and you are a replitian swimming in sin and decadence. Change your ways or be destroyed.

F? F? Wake up, are you there?

What, hmm?

So you were talking about this girl you met?

Naa, it was nothing. She came up to me and took off my sunglasses and ran off with them. People stealing! Why sunglasses, why not food? She looked destitute.

It seemed more than that from your message. It seemed like there was a big conflict.

Naa, it was nothing.

Okay, what did you want to talk about this week? I was thinking of writing you a prescription today, we had talked about it before. How do you feel about medication?

Hmm, actually, I gotta go, I forgot about this meeting I have. Sorry, I'll see you next week!

What? Huh? Ok.